First Draft....

So, here's the thing.  I'm not much of a writer...unless I'm angry or have nothing else to do.  By definition, this means I may have set up a blog that will disappear in a matter of weeks.  On the other hand, it might catch on and you can read my rants that drone on and on about who knows what.  For anyone that has spent any length of time with me knows that I can talk your ear off.  Maybe this will curb some of that socialization appetite.

Either way, it's here for as long as it wills itself to be. (And no, I don't believe it's actually capable of making a decision on it's own, and I'm not hearing voices associated with a web application.)

Well, since this is the first of an undetermined amount of posts, I'm going to take this time to be my whining moments.  I figure most people don't read the first post anyways right?

To start off, let's just say I'm a worry-wart that pays too much attention to what others are thinking or feeling (in general and specific to me) and it sometimes overruns my day.  I try to go out of my way for others and see myself as a good friend that just gets walked on......but.....I have had it brought to my attention that my own self evaluation and the reality of my relationships may be slightly (ok, in some cases drastically) different.  

I'm suprisingly okay with this realization in itself.  My issue is more how to overcome what seems to be a basic part of my personality, and allow myself to have a more complete, calm, and secure existence.  I mean, I have a great husband, a close family, and a secure job at the moment.  What more can a girl ask for?

I feel like I've went through my life being an outcast and with one (two if I was REALLY lucky) friends at a time.  Most people will tell me "good friends are better than social aquaintances, especially in small numbers" but I don't always believe that.  I have always found myself to over-cherish my friends (thus suffocating them according to my assessment) and therefore ending up lonely.  Of course, I'll occasionally find that one off, that is there no matter what is going on, and I feel secure enough to truly share with them the things that I would hope they would share with me.....which ultimately leads me to saying things that apparently it's ok to think, but never to say out loud.....

For instance, you cannot say to a "best friend" that you agree with them when they are ranting about their significant other and their fears, because then you are not being supportive but rather destructive to their relationship.  I feel like I walk on these eggshells (more like glass shards) constantly, and have not quite figured out how to keep from cutting my feet......

However, Jakob has helped to curb some of this.  He pulls no punches in telling me when my facial expressions don't match what I'm thinking, or that having friends that just ditch aren't worth it.  I've come to hold tight to a more philosphical approach in that people are in your life for a time, to teach you something, and to learn something from you.  In the end, they leave, or you do, and the reasons why may not be apparent or make sense at the time, but always show themselves later.  

I guess by that thought process, I have a lot of revelations to look forward to.....